USA vs. England Retro-active Diary

The Revolutionary War, The War of 1812, The Beatles, BP Oil Spill, Simon Cowell…the United States and England have certainly had their run-ins over the years. Today’s game was definitely one for the ages. Here is my retro-active diary from USA vs. England.

Caution: I guarantee there will be curse words in this diary. If you don’t like it…too f*cking bad.

Starting lineups

US – Howard, Onyewu, DeMerit, Bocanegra, Cherundolo, Clark, Bradley, Dempsey, Donovan, Altidore, Findley

England – Green, Terry, King, A. Cole, Johnson, Gerrard, Lampard, Milner, Lennon (and McCartney), Rooney, Heskey

-05:00: The teams are lineup up to head out to the field. Gerrard is captain for England. He definitely wouldn’t have had this honor if Terry wasn’t such a slut and Ferdinand could keep himself healthy.

-3:00: National Anthem time. Ours kicks ass as usual. As the camera pans through the US lineup, I see that Onyewu is trying his best to look like a bushier Common. Our warm-up jackets are sick though.

-1:00: The captain’s coin flip. The referee looks like a nightmare. And why wouldn’t he be, he was suspended for six-weeks because of corruption. Great!

0:00: And we’re off. So far we haven’t screwed up so that’s good. Good news is Martin Tyler is commentating on the game. Bad news is John Harkes is also commentating on the game. This will probably not be the last time he is mentioned in this diary.

1:45: Fabio Capello looks like the anti-Maradona

2:18: Offside on Findley. Wait, Findley is black? Had no idea.
3:33: F*CK. One-two pass between Rooney, Heskey and Gerrard leads to a Gerrard goal. Well, we made it three minutes without looking like total fools. 1-0 England.

5:40: Dammit, Findley! We can’t attack when you are offside all the damn time. Get Buddle in there.

6:21: First foul of the game – Cherundolo taken down my Milner on the far side. Not sure I’d call it a statement foul considering Cherundolo doesn’t do sh*t.
7:09: John Harkes: “It’s important that the US keep possession now after the goal.” Duh, you think? You can’t score when you don’t have the ball you idiot.

10:10: Good header by Dempsey. At least we got the England GK to touch the ball. Header goals will be tough to come by when they have to attack against the likes of John Terry…even though he does dress like a homo a lot of the time (not that there’s anything wrong with that)

12:55: Third straight corner for the US. If we based wins on getting more corners than the other team, we would be totally dominating.
12:57: Donovan goes short to an unmarked Cherundolo, who then goes and passes across the field instead of shooting. Again, he doesn’t do sh*t.

15:16: This is unrelated to the game, but the people that live below me had their fire alarm go off. They need to cut that ish out before I stroll down there and cut it out for them…if you know what I mean.

18:03: We are nearly 20 minutes into the game and Rooney has barely touched the ball. This is good for the US because the less he touches the ball, the less likely he has a chance to step on someone’s nut sack.
18:17: Excellent cross by Donovan that Jozy nearly hits to goal. We’re getting closer…and Fabio looks pissedddddddd

18:55: Oh dear God! Lennon (and McCartney) got behind the defense and tried to cross it to Lampard, but luckily someone on the US remembered that we had to defend and got the ball away.

25:22: Seriously, all Cherundolo is good for is getting fouled by Milner. And Milner gets our first card of the game of persistent infringement. Now let’s get in his head so he can get another yellow. I believe Bob Bradley calls that the Douche Bag Strategy.

27:29: Close up of Lennon (and McCartney), who has those strips shaved into his head that all those Mexican and black gangsters have. Nice try, dude. You’re still English.

28:17: Crucial save by Tim Howard on a cross by Johnson. However, he gets cleated in the arm by Heskey. This can’t be good…considering his backup is like 40-years-old. And Seattle people know just how reliable 40-year-old GKs can be, am I right?
29:26: First shot of Becks on the sideline…looking and acting like he’s important when he’s really not.

30:12: Shaun Wright-Phillips goes in for Milner. Supposedly he’s been “ill”…and by “ill” they mean “totally sucking and dragging the team down out there.”

33:05: We’re getting some good crosses in, but can’t connect with the headers. Maybe we should try a different approach, no?

36:56: Tyler keeps talking about how Rooney had such a dynamite season with Man U and all his goals and what not. Maybe that was because Rooney WAS Man U after pussy-butt Ronaldo left the team.

38:08: Dangerous shot by Donovan that goes across goal. Hahaha…England GK Green is wearing a green shirt. That’s funny.

38:30: Yellow card for Cherundolo. Can you cease to exist, please?

39:37: Hell to the yeah!!! Green just pulled a Kasey Keller and lets a Dempsey shot go through his hands. 1-1 game! Certainly a soft goal, but I’ll take it.
39:54: The goal looks even better in slo-mo. And Becks looks very, very angry. I’m gonna go on a limb and say that Green will never get a free drink in England ever again. Bring on Calamity James!!!

40:31: Gah! US has a defensive brainfart and almost gives up another goal. C’mon guy! Don’t you know the five minute rule. Play hard in the first five of the half and the first five after a goal. Fundamentals, people!

42:44: Heskey gets a shin to the nose. Ouch…but rub some dirt on it, you blimey douche.
45+: US defense is cracking down faster. About fricking time.

Halftime: 1-1 game. That’s definitely better than I thought it would go after giving up the early goal. Though, if we didn’t have that f*ck-up, we would be winning. Now time to see the Green mishap from a million different angles. Let’s kick him while he’s down. Time for a potty break.

Just saw in add for the movie The Expendables. Did they just get every action star from the last 25 years to get together and make a movie? And the Old Spice guy is in it? ODOR BLOCKING POWERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

David James kind of looks like that Korey guy that was on American Idol who supposedly had that affair with Paula Abdul. Bring it, corn-rowed wonder! And it’s never a good sign when your nickname is “Calamity.”

46:00: Second half kick-off. Jamie Carragher came on for King for England’s second sub out of three. Now Capello has to be creative in terms of who he selects for his third sub. At least we still have Green in the game. This could get interesting.

46:59: Yellow card for DeMerrit on an intentional handball. What a dumbass.

48:00: Lennon (and McCartney) sneaks past Bocanegra to get a cross in. Luckily no one connected. But this is not looking good. Our pressure is starting to lag, like it does at times.

50:15: Rooney gets behind and almost capitalizes with a ball past Howard, but cleared off the line by the defense. But Rooney got behind the defense because he was offside. Oof.

51:21: Oh god…Heskey exploits the defense and gets a clear shot on…right to Howard. We seriously have to pull our heads out of our asses.

53:29: Who do we have on the bench who can go in on defense? Jonathan Specter and Clarence Goodson. Not very promising. And I don’t trust people named Clarence. I think Justice Clarence Thomas ruined that for me with his pube incident.

58:32: Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod. Onyewu in a footrace with Rooney. This can’t end well. But it does, thank God.

59:01: Carragher is booked on a slide tackle against poor Findley. When are we gonna get a yellow out of Rooney. The man is due!

59:55: Now Gerrard is in the referee’s book. I mean, he cleated Dempsey in the knee. The man is a dirty douche tard and likes to beat people up in pubs. He has to be stopped!

61:15: Free kick taken by Donovan is hit wide by Bocanegra. Hey Carlos! You can’t hit the goal when you are facing the opposite direction. Just an FYI.

62:47: Lampard (oh right…he’s actually in this game) has quite the left-footed strike from 25 yards out, but it’s deflected out of bounds by Howard. God bless that bald-headed man.

64:00: Jozy Altidore jets past Carragher and is practically one-on-one with the goalie and HITS THE POST!!! NOOOOOOOO why post, why?!?! (Side note: Jozy is nearly seven months younger than me. It makes me sick.)

65:49: Johnson has to leave the field because he has blood on his face. Get that off before you spread your nasty English diseases (not saying that he has any, mind you)

67:58: Lampard takes a free kick from 30 yards out. But of course, being Lampard, he totally over hits it and it sails over the goal. I’m glad some things never change.

70:34: Cross by Gerrard is hit just wide by Rooney and he nearly hits the post as he slides from his header. Why couldn’t he have just hit his head on the post and be knocked unconscious? Is that too much to ask?

73:15: Findley with a yellow for reckless challenge on Gerrard…which he totally deserved by the way. Now can we take Findley out and put in Buddle? The man can find the goal!

74:00: MOTHER OF GOD! Rooney…kick…barely wide…I can’t breathe. Gahhhhh

75:01: Tim Howard…God love you. That’s all I can say.

76:27: The ball has been on our side of the field for far too long. I don’t like it. If we keep this up, England is going to score again.

76:49: From my lips to Bradley’s ears. Buddle is in. Let’s get it on!

78:51: Peter Crouch is in for Heskey. We are now f*cked in the air. The man is like 11 feet tall. But he does have big teeth.

82:45: Dempsey is fouled in our box. He doesn’t look so good. He’s got to get out of there. He’s lagging on defense and doesn’t have enough energy to get up on attack. Can a get a Stuart Holden or Jose Torres? Anyone?

85:06: Rooney is complaining after getting fouled. Yes, this is good. Just one more foul and maybe he’ll pop off on Carlos Bocanegra. That would take care of a lot of our defensive woes.

85:29: Holden is going in…for Jozy. Not exactly what I had in mind but okay, Bob Bradley. I guess you did go to Princeton though.

88:18: After a rather lazy counter-attack, Donovan has a rip from far way…just over the top. Grrrrrrrrrr.

89:45: Cutaway of Becks. I bet he’s glad he’s not out there sucking it up like he normally does.

90+: 4 minutes of stoppage! For reals! This is like Sounders territory right now. Give us your Full 94!

90+: Crouch called for offside…except he wasn’t. Oops…but I’ll take it gladly.

90+: Herculezzzzzzzzzzzz! Oh wait…the game’s over. Guess he’s not playing.

Final: 1-1 game. Such a good, tense, exciting, frustrating game. We totally could have won the game too if our defense hadn’t had a lobotomy in the first three minutes and if Jozy didn’t hit the pole. Balls. But this is still a damaging blow to the egos of the Brits, since they thought that this would be an easy three points. Suck it guys, you still haven’t beaten us in a World Cup. Now Robert Green should just not bother going back home. It’s definitely not going to be pretty.

Also…Tim Howard is the F*CKNIG MAN!!!! Give that man a statue!

Now…I’m going to go clean out my underpants and take a deep breath. Bring on Algeria and Slovenia!

Yeah...I wouldn't get on the bus if I were you